memorial day weekend kick-off

Memorial Day Weekend, a time to remember those who sacrificed their lives so that we could enjoy ours, has  become a time for picnics, beach trips, and parties.  Few, if any, truly observe the solemnity of the occassion; myself included.  I look forward to the extra day added to the weekend, which always seems to occur at a time when I most need it.

I have been listening to the Dixie Chicks’ “Not Ready to Make Nice” a lot lately.  It has become something of an anthem for me in regards to the situation with my siblings.  Of course, as expected, my sister sent out an e-mail inviting everyone to a family celebration of our mother’s birthday.  Needless to say, I declined the invitation.  I did it diplomatically but really wanted to reply, “You’ve got to be joking!!! Do you really think we want to spend any time with you people who treated us so rudely a few weeks back at a party?”

The stress and strain of that has began to seep into other areas.  I lost my temper with a colleague last night.  She is an exhausting person who does not work well in group settings and four of us are saddled with her on a quick project.  If I could have strangled her with my bare hands I would have.  She is obnoxious and pushy but when called on it plays the innocent.  I know I have a strong personality.  This woman does, too, but acts like she doesn’t.  It’s ridiculous!  Perhaps if I wasn’t already so stressed she wouldn’t have affected me so strongly.  Who knows?  I am just glad this will all be over next week and I won’t have to work with her again!

In honor of Memorial Day, a list of persons who have gone before me to the other side; perhaps not in service to the nation, but heroes all nonetheless:

HARVEY MILK, COLE McMARTIN, BRIAN DUCKWORTH, GREG VILLONE, STEVE McCLOUD, RAY DOSKUS, HEIDI HILDEBRAND, URSULA RIMDEIKA, DOMENIC RIMDEIKA, CASSANDRA DANZ, PAUL MONETTE, MATTHEW SHEPPARD, MARK BINGHAM

Rumblings from the Volcano

Why is it so difficult to negotiate family discord?  Today is my sister’s birthday.  I sent her an e-card, which took a lot out of me.  Her behavior towards my partner and me at the party she hosted two weeks ago has left me angry and confused.  I struggled with not acknowledging her birthday at all because I felt that would really send a message.  Instead, as usual, I chose to rise above it and send a simple e-card birthday wish.  Of course, no acknowledgement of the card on her part has occurred.  As I write this I think about what it is I really want from this relationship and can’t really reach an answer.  I know what I don’t want.  I don’t want the relationship we had before all of this stuff happened with my mother.  I don’t want to have to listen to her drone on and on about how things in her life are not working the way she wants.  I don’t want to have to support her in things with which I do not agree.  I don’t want to be ignored any more.  By this I am referring to the many phone calls I used to receive where she would blather on for 20 minutes to a half-hour complaining about something or other only to become distracted or disinterested when the conversation would turn to my life.  I don’t want to help her parent her oldest daughter.  I don’t want to be the go-to guy in a crisis.  I don’t want to feel insignificant and un-appreciated.

What I want is to be heard and recognized.  What I want is to be considered an equal.  What I want is to be respected for everything I have done and accomplished.  What I want is to be accepted for being gay.  What I want is acknowledgement of their biased and unbalanced view of me and my life.  What I want is to let go of this resentment and frustration I carry with me on a daily basis.  What I want is to feel less judged and resented and more loved and accepted.

Whew!  That felt good to let go of some of that.  I sort of feel like it was only releasing the pressure valve a little to let off some steam.  I realize now that I am storing up some deep seated anger at my siblings.  It is almost comical to me that they think they’re the ones who are angry.  They don’t even know the half of it and boy would I like to be the one to set them straight! (Pun intended.)  I think it imperative that I begin to process this anger in a healthy way so that I can begin to move on.

grey day musings

It is gray and depressing here today.  Days like this leave me feeling sad and lethargic.  I had another stilted conversation with my mother this morning.  Her passive-aggressive behavior is so annoying.  If she is upset about something she just acts cold rather than just addressing whatever the issue is that is bothering her.  So I guess something is bothering her but to be perfectly honest, I am not asking.  I have so much going on in my life right now that I don’t need to ask for more issues to complicate it even further.

My sister’s birthday is next week and I am debating whether to send a card or not.  I feel that if I send a card then I am behaving more graciously but I fear it also invites her and her insanity into my life.  The rude way in which we were treated last weekend at her party is still bothering me.  Like a pot on a slow simmer my resentment is just below the surface waiting for the flames to ignite which would result in me boiling over with rage.  I know I can’t allow that to happen.

I spoke with my friend, Eric, yesterday about his ailing mother.  It was somewhat comforting to hear from someone else who is dealing with an aging parent and the ridiculous sibling tensions which occur as a result.  His sisters, too, seem to be creating chaos when everyone needs calm.

Thank G*d it’s Friday!  This week has been exceptionally taxing.  I am glad I do not have a lot that I need to get accomplished this weekend and can just relax a little.  Of course I have school work to get done but not so much that I feel overwhelmed.

I find myself grappling with the family stuff.  I can sense the distance growing and a part of me doesn’t mind.  These last few years have not been without my own sacrifices and compromises.  Now I feel like I am in a place where I am unwilling to be controlled and manipulated by their behavior.  I was walking this morning and thought that my sister and her husband behave like bullies.  It’s their way or the highway.  There is never any room for discussion, compromise, or negogiation.  And the need for a martyr in my family continues to be played out by all of this animosity.  My sister and her husband remain martyrs as long as they can continue to resent me for not “stepping up to the plate.”  By not accepting responsibility for driving me away from “the plate” they hold no culpability for the current situation.  Discussion is not an option or my sister would have tried to have that with me already.  And, of course, the dysfunctional dynamic is exactly what my other sister needs.  Whatever!  I don’t want to give them space in my head and yet I can’t seem to stop them.

I wish it was sunny outside.  It would definitely improve my mood.

a little purge

I got into an argument with my mother on the telephone last night.  By the time she had gotten back home from her all day excursion she was exhausted and nasty on the phone.  Of course, I was under the impression that everyone was coming to her so her behavior surprised me.  I had to find out from her that they had taken her out all day which had drained her completely.  Just another example of how completely selfish my sisters are.  It just never ceases to amaze me how self-righteous they are about what they are supposedly doing for my mother yet how they never consider the impact of anything on her, like spending two days in a row on the go in her condition.

I have no motivation to get any work done and I know I have to get something done soon. 

I am still annoyed with my sister and her husband and their actions at the party on Saturday.

Mother’s Day, oh brother!

Well, yesterday was the party for my niece’s First Holy Communion.  If there hadn’t been plates and napkins to identify it as a Holy Communion party it could have been just another birthday party or something.  There was a DJ blasting music and kids’ games.  And, of course, because of all the recent family drama THEY created, the cold shoulder from my sister and her husband, the hosts.  My sister, Terry, also gave me a somewhat chilly reception, too, which to me is a joke, but not surprising.  The three of them are secure in their smug self-righteousness regarding my “not stepping up to the plate,” Walt’s (my sister’s husband) words, in terms of caring for my mother.  Of course, none of them can see how their own actions and behavior are what to contribute to their anger.  I realized last night after the party that it is their own inability to accept my current situation which fuels their frustration and anger with me.  Also, it is their supposition that Frank is rolling in money because he is an attorney that further contributes to their ongoing hostility towards me.  I suppose they think since I am living with him that we are just rolling in it.  If they actually engaged in direct communication they would discover that couldn’t be further from the truth.  Additionally, it was obvious to me that things have been said to Walt’s family because of the initial reception we received from his parents.  Of course, that did not last long because we spent time talking with them.

Today, some of them are  having brunch with my mother at her new home.  I got the sense that this is another issue because we are not going.  No consideration to the inconvenience it would have been to us was considered, of course, in the planning. 

Spending the afternoon with them yesterday was interesting.  My mother seemed out of it.  Like an old woman doped up on pain medication, which is exactly what I think is going on.  I spent no time with the previously mentioned family members and spent most of the day talking with my sister, Barbara, and her daughter, Maureen.  It was nice, actually, despite the fact that much of what we discussed was about my nephew who was sent off to a federal penitentiary this week for tax fraud. 

It saddens me to think about the distance engulfing me and my sisters, Terry and Lori.  And yet, I feel the point is moot to try and broach an adult discussion.  Both of them are incapable of listening, hearing, and are adept at bullying and yelling.  I suppose the saddest part of it all is that I know it will only distance my from my nieces and nephew.  But this is always what happens in these situations, it certainly happened before with Barbara and her kids.

Well, it’s Mother’s Day and I have no remorse that I will not be celebrating it with the rest of my family; or even my mother for that matter.  Lately I have been thinking about how so much of the hostile dynamic that has operated in this family for so long.  After my father’s death the level of unhealthy triangulation grew at her hands.  Now we have begun to see the results.  Also, too, I think for so long I was afraid to really break out on my own.  I had no faith in my abilities to survive and provide for myself.  That is no longer the case.  As a result I am no longer willing to tolerate mistreatment simply to remain in close contact with them.  Their inability to consider me and my needs, or my life, while I am expected to understand theirs has reached its saturation point for me.  Enough is enough!

Wow! How long has it been?

I have not posted in quite some time.  I have been incredibly overwhelmed finishing everything up for the end of the semester.  I can’t believe I have 2 semesters of grad school behind me already.

For any readers, life with the family has calmed but that does not mean anything has been resolved.  I just have not been communicating with anyone but my mother.  The torrent of insane and nasty e-mails a month ago led me to the decision to just not engage.  The anger and accusations bandied about by everyone, including in-laws only brought to light for me why I ran away from these people twenty years ago.  It’s funny, I can remember being 3 or 4 and trying to run away so I guess I have been doing it unsuccessfully all my life.

Of course this weekend is a party for my niece’s Holy Communion so it should be interesting.  Stilted and forced is probably how the evening will transpire.  To say I do not wish to go is the understatement of the century.  If Mother’s Day weren’t the next day I probably wouldn’t go.  This way I can at least kill two birds with one stone.  Well, actually three, since my nephew had his fifth birthday this past Monday.

I waver back and forth in my feelings about this distance and lack of communication with my sister, Lori.  I think it is actually a good thing for me, but it makes me sad to think that she is unable to contact me to make amends.  I know there is huge resentment brewing because I am not contributing to the expenses for my mother’s housing costs right now.  But there is very little I can do to change any of that while I am still in school.

On another sad note, I found out yesterday a guy with whom I was once friendly took his life a few weeks back.  I almost can’t believe it.  I keep hearing those song lyrics, “But I always thought that I’d see you again,” in my head.  I wonder what was going on with him that he was in so much pain that he took his life.  He was a very sweet and gentle soul.  I am having a hard time grappling with the fact that he shot himself.  Hearing about it has made me think of so many people with whom I have lost touch for one reason or another.

Spring has sprung, but today it really felt like summer was on its way.  I really miss the days when spring lasted for weeks.  Well, I will try to enjoy the nice weather no matter what.

where is spring?

Okay, so where the heck is spring?  Today feels more like a mid-winter day with gray skies and snow flurries than the beginning of spring.  Days like this always depress me, motivation does not come easily.

I have begun to feel overwhelmed at the amount of schoolwork I need to have finished by the end of April.  I have moments when I think it isn’t humanly possible to finish it all in time.  Of course I have also begun to feel anxious about heading into the classroom next year.  What was I thinking when I decided that teaching would be a good thing?  I realize this is just nerves, because, Lord knows, there are plenty of inept educators out there.

I need a healthy dose of spring right about now!

burgundy shoes

Isn’t it amazing how a song can cut right through the to the core of your being and touch your soul?  It never ceases to amaze me when a new to me song appears and touches me so deeply.  Today it is “Burgundy Shoes” by Patty Griffin.  With everything that has been going on with my Mom it reduces me to tears.

I saw my Mom yesterday and my heart broke just a little bit more.  How can we leave her there?  And who is this old lady who has begun to inhabit my mother?  Where did the vital, fearless woman go and who is this shrinking violet?  The questions are endless and the answers never appear.  I am powerless to change her situation and it angers and saddens me.  My anger is not only directed inward but outward at my sister.  I saw her briefly yesterday as well.  She tried to act as if nothing has happened.  It is rather difficult for me to pretend with her, especially given the depth of my anger and disappointment.  I know in time I will have to come to terms with it all but I am not ready.

unrelated and random thoughts

Whew!  This week has just whizzed by me with little time for reflection or posting.  I have been so busy trying to keep my head above water with school work.  Also, the tornado that my family creates has died down a little for now.  Although I know this is just the calm before the next storm which will probably occur within the next few weeks.

Completely unrelated and random thoughts:

Last night I went to see Justin Timberlake in concert.  Despite some minor imperfections with the show, I enjoyed myself.  It’s not hard to when you have such sweet eye candy to admire.

Spring has begun to tease us here with warmer days and lots of sunshine.  I am ready for it.  I can’t wait to go out and do some gardening.

So, I saw my Mom last weekend.  She looked good and seemed in good spirits.  More importantly, I saw the facility where my sisters moved her.  I have no idea what about the place made them wax poetic about it.  To me, it just seemed like another senior citizen residence.  I do not understand how my sister can be okay with leaving her there.  It boggles my mind.  It also frustrates me because I wish I was in a position to take her in myself.

I feel very scattered and unfocused which is probably not a good time to try and write but since it has been awhile I thought I should at least give it a whirl.  I suppose I hoped some great thought would pop into my head or I would experience some epiphany about which I could expound, but that hasn’t happened.

the first day of spring

It seems I spoke to soon yesterday.  My sister, Lori, sent out an email to us, my siblings and me.  In it, she forwarded one of those appreciate the moment and the people in your life emails she received, along with a message about how my Mom going into this home may have a bright side.  We, as a family, may be able to reconnect and unite.  Fat chance! 

 The entire way she and Barbara have handled things up until now have been divisive.  The email was manipulative and tragic at the same time.  My sister is so desperate for some fairy tale family.  She is also unable to see her own part in creating discord and disharmony among us.  It’s sad.

Of course, my initial reaction was to fire off a missive.  But I held my pen/tongue, well actually I wrote three emails I didn’t send.  And this morning I journaled.  I have decided to post this journal entry to celebrate the first day of spring.

Sadness overwhelms me.  I don’t care how happy anyone is with Mom in this home.  It breaks my heart to have my Mom there and be unable to do anything to change it.  I hate places like that.  I always have.  Mom is not going to ever be who she was; the lady with the black and white high-heeled shoes I thought were so stylish when I was a kid.  Instead an old lady inhabits a body which used to dance and sing and walk the streets of the city with me.   My mind flashes back on a block party where Mom and I captured everyone’s attention as we danced in the DiPompeo’s back yard.  Where did she go?Not that she was perfect either.  She could be mean-spirited when angry; it made me want to be as far away from her as humanly possibly.  But she was my Mom.  And when the chips were down for me, I always felt she was there for me; an anchor in a world that tossed me about.And now, she is old and I am not in a position to house her or provide better for her.  It breaks my heart.  Tears stain my cheeks as I write this.  The heartache seems almost impossible to bear.  And yet, life goes on.  And with the march of time, my mother enters the winter of her life on this first day of spring.And I am supposed to find the good in this?  I look, but only see pain, heartache, and loss.  I sob and sob, grieving for the woman she was, is, and never will be.  And for the son I was, am, and never will be.  How we will journey forward remains unclear, but please do not rush my journey.  I need time to process, bargain, deny, rage, grieve, resent, cry, and ultimately accept.  I am not there yet.  Are any of us?