Rumblings from the Volcano

Why is it so difficult to negotiate family discord?  Today is my sister’s birthday.  I sent her an e-card, which took a lot out of me.  Her behavior towards my partner and me at the party she hosted two weeks ago has left me angry and confused.  I struggled with not acknowledging her birthday at all because I felt that would really send a message.  Instead, as usual, I chose to rise above it and send a simple e-card birthday wish.  Of course, no acknowledgement of the card on her part has occurred.  As I write this I think about what it is I really want from this relationship and can’t really reach an answer.  I know what I don’t want.  I don’t want the relationship we had before all of this stuff happened with my mother.  I don’t want to have to listen to her drone on and on about how things in her life are not working the way she wants.  I don’t want to have to support her in things with which I do not agree.  I don’t want to be ignored any more.  By this I am referring to the many phone calls I used to receive where she would blather on for 20 minutes to a half-hour complaining about something or other only to become distracted or disinterested when the conversation would turn to my life.  I don’t want to help her parent her oldest daughter.  I don’t want to be the go-to guy in a crisis.  I don’t want to feel insignificant and un-appreciated.

What I want is to be heard and recognized.  What I want is to be considered an equal.  What I want is to be respected for everything I have done and accomplished.  What I want is to be accepted for being gay.  What I want is acknowledgement of their biased and unbalanced view of me and my life.  What I want is to let go of this resentment and frustration I carry with me on a daily basis.  What I want is to feel less judged and resented and more loved and accepted.

Whew!  That felt good to let go of some of that.  I sort of feel like it was only releasing the pressure valve a little to let off some steam.  I realize now that I am storing up some deep seated anger at my siblings.  It is almost comical to me that they think they’re the ones who are angry.  They don’t even know the half of it and boy would I like to be the one to set them straight! (Pun intended.)  I think it imperative that I begin to process this anger in a healthy way so that I can begin to move on.